This Ciliate is about to Die.

Atrophy:

1. (of body tissue or an organ) waste away, especially as a result of the degeneration of cells, or become vestigial during evolution. “without exercise, the muscles will atrophy”
2. gradually decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect. “her artistic skills atrophied from lack of use”

Opposite of atrophy: strength

So this is a diary entry.

Meat: lunch with Alda (aunt), Miki (cousin), Nilza (mother). Discussed atrophied grandmother (future self?). The year is ending, required festivities will soon commence.

What did I take away from 2021?

1. The recurring and very palpable longing for Hesse. His absence overwhelms me.
2. Signs of presence: communication codes – dandelion clocks. Peperomia with a tail, now withered. Search for signs.
3. Bless the bees that buzz and bumble on flowers. Lavender and bee equals enchantment.
4. Plants you tend to, in turn, make you better. Something to do with time manifest, or is it time with love? Time imbued with love.
5. House = home. It can make or break you.
6. The person who is with you will seldom be enough. Most times he will lacks a lot of what you need but that feeling of dissatisfaction you’re feeling is probably you just projecting your own shit on him.

These are the books I read after Hesse died

1. Outline (Rachel Cusk)
2. Transit (Rachel Cusk)
3. Kudos (Rachel Cusk)
4. Life after Life (Kate Atkinson)
5. A Little Life (Hanya Yanagihara)
6. Honored Guest (Joy Williams)
7. Dept of Speculation (Jenny Offill)
8. Dear Life (Alice Munro)
9. A Visit from the Goon Squad (Jennifer Egan)
10. Paula (Isabelle Allende)
11. Levels of Life (Julian Barnes)
12. Breasts and Eggs (Mieko Kawakami)
13. The Body Artist (Don De Lillo)
14. A Book of Common Prayer (Joan Didion)
15. The Golden Notebook (Doris Lessing, unfinished)
16. Pachinko (Min Jin Lee, unfinished)
17. Summer (Ali Smith)
18. On Earth We Are Briefly Gorgeous (Ocean Vuong, unfinished)
19. Days of Abandonment (Elena Ferrante)

I wander what will be my next entry, seeing as though I’ve exhausted what was on my mind.

Bye.